A little rain never bothered a true-blue tiller of the soil
Saturday, December 13, 2003
 
Yes, it looks cold out there in Marin-Bolinas Botanical Garden, but readying ground now makes for colorful rewards in the spring. Chronicle photo by Penni Gladstone
You don't need to be a psychologist to understand the mental health benefits of gardening. You just need to be a gardener -- the kind who comes in covered in mud, leaves stuck in your hair, leaving behind a nicely pruned camellia or a patch of freshly weeded soil.
I can't help but laugh when I read suggestions that during those winter months, when you can't garden, you get your fix by reading seed catalogs. I don't know, somehow that just doesn't get my blood pumping. And it doesn't cure the cabin fever that develops after a few days of looking out the window at a wet and chilly world.
Nothing but real gardening will do. So I go out anyway. At least in our area we don't have to shovel back a foot of snow to get to our plants, so just getting wet and chilly is a small price to pay.
My garden ought to look like Versailles for all the time I spend on it. It doesn't, but the time I spend is for me, as well as for my garden. I have chosen a "high maintenance" yard intentionally.
Once you bundle up a little and accept that you're going to get wet, you can do all sorts of garden chores in the winter rain. If you don't have the kind of clay soil that turns to cream cheese when it gets wet, you can weed damp soil with ease. My plants don't seem to care whether I prune them when the sun is shining or during a little shower. Raking sometimes works better when it is rainy. The leaves sort of stick together and clump in a nice pile, with no warm wind to blow them back across the lawn. And if the lawn needs aerating (mine always does), I use my little push-in-the-ground tool and then spread a bag of soil conditioner over the top. The timing seems perfect as the rain works the material into the lawn.
The major kind of preparation needed for winter gardening is mental. It's a matter of not considering weather as an obstacle. The other bit of preparation is to have everything you need already outside. You don't want to traipse mud through the house looking for the twine to tie up the abutilon or to find the phone that always rings the minute you get outside.
One other bit of preparation is a place to pile your muddy duds when you are done. A few spread-out newspapers work fine.
After a bit of rainy gardening you won't look out the window and have that, "Oh I wish I could get to that project" feeling. Instead, there will be a feeling of satisfaction and admiration at some neatly completed garden task.
Muddy clothes in the washer, cup of tea on the table -- now is the time for seed catalogs. Bring them out and meander through the pages. These catalogs do have their place, after all.
This article appeared on page E - 4 of the San Francisco Ch
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NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS OR TINY STEPS
Breaking down New Year's goals into baby steps
Susan DeMersseman, Special to The Chronicle
Published 4:00 am, Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Embroidered sampler on how one can begin to accomplish tasks when feeling overwhelmed. Photo: Raymond Holbert, Demerssemans@yahoo.com / SF
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This time of year a lot of lists are written. Unfortunately, many of the same goals keep appearing on these lists year after year. They often include things that need to be done around the house, home improvement or organization projects. In conducting stress-reduction workshops, I noticed how frequently people mentioned the perennial unfinished project list as a source of stress.
Part of the problem in accomplishing the goal is that it appears at the top of the page. We often don't think about the fact that the item needs to be at the bottom of the page with dozens of steps preceding it. It's clearly not as simple as placing the item at the bottom of the page, but that act realizes the truth that the lack of accomplishment is not a character flaw, but a lack of planning. We are not just being lazy or procrastinating - more often we're missing a clear path to the goal.
This faulty thinking reminded me of a sampler I embroidered with the phrase, "Plan your work, then work your plan." Most people in the workshops had not really planned their work, even though they were making stabs at it.
From that observation I began including an activity in the stress-management workshops that focused on the process of planning one's work. It also recognized the importance of giving a name to all the little obstacles that are between the goal and its accomplishment. I titled the activity the Yabut List and invited participants to work in pairs, but it is not a complicated exercise and can easily be done alone.
The directions are simple. First, write the goal at the bottom of a page, then start a series of yabuts, all reasons that the specific task can't be done. Write each yabut down, working your way up to the top of the page by answering each yabut with another.
One participant shared her reappearing goal of getting the bathroom remodeled. It started with: "Get the bathroom redone." The first yabut: "Yabut I can't do that until I get the name of a good contractor." So, her partner wrote, "Get the name of a good contractor."
The next yabut: "Yabut I can't do that until I call my cousin's neighbor, she had a great outcome." And her partner wrote down, "Call my cousin's neighbor."
"Yabut I can't call her until I find the gardening book she loaned me." And her partner wrote down, "Find the gardening book."
The process continued with each yabut translated into a step. "Yabut I can't do that until I can get into the garage, where we stored all the books when we repainted the office. Yabut I can't do that until I get my son's car out of the way. Yabut I can't do that until I get the garage door fixed. Yabut I can't do that until I get the number of the garage-door installer."
The final step was, "Yabut I can't do that until I get online and find his number." The partner wrote down, "Get online and get the number!"
When the exercise was done, the woman had a list of steps to get her started. Little did she realize when she began the exercise that her bathroom remodel hinged on the phone number of the garage-door installer.
I don't know if the woman ever got her bathroom remodeled. I do hope that she and the other participants gained a new strategy for chipping away at the annual list by understanding that most accomplishments happen through dozens of baby steps, formerly viewed as obstacles.
Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/homeandgarden/article/Breaking-down-New-Year-s-goals-into-baby-steps-3178802.php#ixzz2Gk1uyq6j
School Shooter. Sadly this article from the Christian Science Monitor is still relelvant
It's not too late to stop the next teen shooter
BERKELEY, CALIF.
A youngster in Minnesota shot and killed a teacher, classmates, and himself last week. Shocked, Americans are wondering, "How could such a thing happen?"
Yet his story will soon fade from the national news. When the next shooting occurs it will be dredged up and included as background along with the previous three or four.
But what about the potential next shooter? What is going on with him right now?
It's not unlikely that right now, in a school near you, elements of this dangerous social equation are building.
There is a child who feels left out. He is often teased by other kids who don't realize how deeply their words cut. He doesn't have the maturity to know that his tormentors are just thoughtless, miserable adolescents, too.
The boy - because, it seems, it is almost always a boy - doesn't have the family support or sense of self worth to deflect the teasing. When he goes home after school, he is usually alone.
He has grown to love angry music. It makes him feel a little better to connect with the power in the performer's chants of rage. His unresolved grief transforms into the rage he admires. He wants to feel angry. It feels less weak than the sadness. The boy fantasizes about getting even - about showing "them."
Some days he thinks, "I'll grow up and be so successful, famous, and rich." Then they'll be sorry that they ignored him or put him down.
But he lives in a world that does not value long-range solutions - even when they're the right ones.
It may take too long to find a way to relieve the pain - the media he surrounds himself with seem to offer a quicker fix.
The people who are making money from the music, video games, and movies he hears, plays, and sees refuse to question the content or accept the ways they affect the boy.
Instead they go about their business providing training in immediate, sensational "solutions." They provide heroes for the boy, never mind that they are antiheroes.
And, the boy has access to a gun!
But it might not be too late for him.
Events like the Red Lake, Minn., high school shooting last week (10 left dead) and the Columbine High School massacre in Littleton, Colo., in 1999 (15 total dead) cause people to wonder what could have been done to prevent this.
We need only look at the history of the last few for clues.
There could be a teacher who is willing and able to see through the façade to the pain; another student who might stand up for him; a neighbor who might notice him and find a way to help him feel worthwhile; a family member who might stop and realize that the cover of self-reliance is so thin.
Maybe there is someone who reads the paper every day and worries about what the world is coming to. This person might stop wringing his or her hands and start looking more closely at young people and find ways to help them navigate through their difficult periods, in these difficult times.
The story of the last shooter has been written.
But the story of the next shooter is still not finished.
It may not be too late for this child or for those he could destroy in his chaos of pain. It might not be too late for one of us to make a difference.
• Susan DeMersseman is a psychologist and parent educator.
KIDS AND POLITICS -- A TEACHABLE OPPORTUNITY
Elections:
A Teachable Moment
.
It’s hard to protect our children from the barrage
of political ads. In some homes the interest of the parent is so great that the
ads and the political talk shows fill the air. On the other hand, this
situation can be an important teachable moment for our children. While we might
like our children to share our values, it is wise to also help them understand why
we hold these values and to understand that even people who disagree with us
are not necessarily evil.
Depending upon the age of the child we can start
with the idea that people have different ideas about how to create a good
community or solve problems. Even little ones can understand that people choose
others to make decisions about what is good for our community. They can
understand that by our vote we try to choose people we think will make good
decision. It’s important, in child terms, to communicate why we are choosing a
certain candidate.
Children already tend to see things in black and
white, so a little effort at moderation may help them be aware of some of the
shades of meaning in the political arena. We can help them see that people
sometimes get angry and agitated, so much so that they don’t think about
reasons, but that reasons for our choices are really important.
Since one of our children may choose another path
or marry into a family with different political inclinations, it is good that
they know how to respect the viewpoints of others and, when appropriate, to express
their own viewpoints in a thoughtful and reasoned way.
Many of us have taken part in family events where
our main challenge was biting our tongues.
I believe this is one of those born in temperamental qualities – the
ability to listen to what we consider utter nonsense and not call the speaker
out. Even those not so predisposed can learn to hold their tongue when a
pointless argument would ruin a family event. And if that can’t be achieved
then our goal might the ability to state a point and back it up with reasons --
reasons other than, “Your idea is utter nonsense.”
It is equally important to help our children
understand that many worthwhile goals can be accomplished outside the political
arena. If our values lead us to care for those who are poor or disadvantaged,
we can show our children by our actions that we as individuals can make a
difference. We can donate or work at a food bank. We can gather books or
clothing for children in need. We can visit senior centers with flowers,
goodies and the time to listen.
Years ago there was a song from the musical “Hair” that was a good reminder. The line was, “Do you only care about the bleeding crowd? How about a needing friend?” Groups and movements do have power, but so do individuals in the many small steps that improve the lives of others near them. Most of us have a needing friend, and if our children see us care for that friend, they might learn as much as they could from any political conversation.
Years ago there was a song from the musical “Hair” that was a good reminder. The line was, “Do you only care about the bleeding crowd? How about a needing friend?” Groups and movements do have power, but so do individuals in the many small steps that improve the lives of others near them. Most of us have a needing friend, and if our children see us care for that friend, they might learn as much as they could from any political conversation.
HURRY UP?
I've recently been visiting with parents about the issue of hurrying, in their own experience and in trying to organize the family. One suggested I reprint this. One of the most important things you can give a child is a good habit. I think planning in a way that demonstrates a respect for time is one of those good habits, but it might take a long time to learn so don't be in a rush.
That's OK - I'm not in a rush
I pulled up to the 15-item line at the market and watched as a clerk came to open an adjacent lane. A man quickly pulled from a longish line into the new lane. The woman who had been ahead of him looked a little annoyed and then resigned. I caught her eye and asked, "Would you like to get in line here?"
She smiled, "No, thanks. I try not to be in a hurry."
"Me, too. It seems like it's just such a simple but good idea. It completely changes the way you interact with the outside world."
"Isn't that true," she replied.
It was so nice to discover a person with shared wisdom at the checkout line.
We chatted a bit more over the National Enquirer rack. Then we exchanged ideas on the little things we do to keep to that philosophy, such as starting out a few minutes early on every car trip, allotting enough time for tasks, or just stopping ourselves from hurrying when it's not really necessary.
When my kids were little, I would point out drivers who were weaving in and out of traffic and being rude or careless. Then I'd show them that same driver right next to us a few miles later. It helped them see that all that rushing often gets us nowhere faster. Now, as teenagers, they point out those same kinds of drivers to me.
Then, in the checkout line, a woman with only two items came in behind me and I urged her to go ahead of my 14-item cart. The "not in rush" woman and I had not finished visiting, and the two-item woman seemed so pleased and surprised.
I have a fairly busy life with work, two teenage children, and a house and yard to keep up. But none of this is helped by seeing myself as always in a hurry.
"So stressed" has become the generic No. 2 greeting these days: "How are you doing?" "Oh, I'm so stressed out."
We often respond even before we assess our level of stress. It has become automatic - as has this concept of ourselves as being in a big rush.
To break out of this takes a bit more than just changing one's self-concept. This change requires one to make new, if only slightly different, habits. In addition to having a small time cushion of five or 10 minutes, it helps to be realistic about the time required for various tasks. If the concern is that you'll have too much time to waste at the other end of a trip, carrying a bit of paperwork is a good idea.
Because I write, I'm happy to have a few minutes to jot down some ideas, reread a work in progress, or fill a journal page. But anyone can carry a book to read or a notebook in which to make lists.
Any extra time can be well used.