Thanksgiving cards -- again


Thanksgiving Cards -- maybe a new tradition





It’s nice to get cards at the holidays, even when they are just a pretty illustration and a signature. It lets you know the person is still around and thinking of you. It’s even better to get a picture of the person or family and one of those update letters. Even when it reads like a family press release.
For years our family has sent a picture and a short note to a short list of recipients. Friends out of the area like to keep up with the growth of the kids and the graying of the parents. But things tend to get so busy that season of year. By the time we all get together for the photo, get the list together and write the cards our family greetings often arrive closer to Valentines day.
But this year I have a new plan. I’m sending Thanksgiving cards. It’s given me an opportunity to express my gratitude to many of the people who make my life better. My doctor, our tree trimmer, the man who remodeled our house, the physical therapist who guided me back from an injury, the newspaper editor who helped build my career as a writer. Top on my list are my wonderful sisters in law and even friends I see a lot. Through the cards I can convey in a very intentional way how thankful I am that they are in my life.
I tend to be a pretty grateful person, but this gesture seems to provide the opportunity, in a concrete way, to remind people of just how much they are appreciated.
I am as busy on email as most people, but I decided on handwritten notes for this purpose. Stamps at the ready, envelopes addressed, I dug in. Each note expressed my gratitude and specifics about why I feel the person makes my life and or the lives of others so much better. It’s been a wonderful process. I carried my little folder and used waiting time and relaxing time to complete the cards. This year I made it through 25, but could have done more. That is a good sign. One benefit of such a process is the reminder of all the good people in a person’s life.
I think it will be a pleasant surprise to those who receive a handwritten note. I imagine them getting the cards, reading them and having them to reread if they ever needed to be reminded that they are appreciated.
I have always believed that when we shine the light of appreciation it reflects back upon us. The glow will carry me into the crazy parts of the upcoming holidays with more peace.
No matter what faith you have or what holidays you celebrate, it is nice to know that you are appreciated, that at this time of thanksgiving you are a reason for that feeling. We may still get our Christmas photo and cards out and it will probably be a little late as usual. I’ve thought about just putting the photos on plain red paper. Then, if they arrive near the beginning of February, friends will think how thoughtful and efficient we are sending Valentine Cards. Efficient? Maybe not. Grateful? Absolutely.
DeMersseman is a Rapid City native who lives and writes in Oakland, Calif.
From the Rapid City JOURNAL  11/18/12

Gratitude for all seasons


Thanksgiving? Give thanks for gratitude. 
We think more about this quality during this time of year, but there are parenting strategies that can encourage it throughout the year.

Gratitude training
By Susan DeMersseman / November 24, 2004
BERKELEY, CALIF.
            It's a little ironic that the season in which we give thanks and the one in which our children are making their holiday wish lists come so close together.
            We try to give our children so much, but sometimes forget to give them the greatest gift, the capacity to appreciate and to feel grateful. Without that we can never give them enough. We may want to give them many things, but how do we do this and not give them a sense of entitlement? This, like most aspects of parenting, is a fine balance.
            Many of our own parents tried to make us feel grateful by pointing out the starving children in some far-off land. This strategy often resulted in us offering to send those children the horrible casserole or ugly tennis shoes. In spite of those responses, many of us grew up with far less than our children have, but with a greater sense of enjoyment and appreciation. Just a glance at the sea of media in which our children swim gives us a big hint as to how this happened. All around are material things that they (and we) are led to believe we must have - that we have a right to have.
            But there are little ways to swim against this tide. The most important is simply being an example of appreciation for the things in our own lives. It can rub off. The source of gratitude can be anything - the sight of glowing cumulus clouds, our warm home, or a nice meal. They may respond with eye rolling and an, "Oh, Mom/Oh, Dad" (as if we're so sappy). But someday when we say, "Come here a minute, look at that sunset," a big cool teenager might look and say, "Oh, yeah, and I like the way the sun streams from under the edges of the clouds." When that happened to me, I was grateful that I had put up with all the eye rolling.
            In my work as a school psychologist, a mother with a rather crabby 9-year-old came to see me for help. We worked out a way to instill a bit more gratitude - but not with reminders of how fortunate he was as a response to his complaints. Instead, we focused on bedtime. She started by spending a few minutes talking about what had gone on in her day that she was grateful for: a friend who complimented her work, the polite clerk at the store, or the quiet evening with not too much laundry. Then she asked him if anything good happened in his day. He got the idea, shared a few things, and it soon became a ritual. Like the Bing Crosby song:
"When I'm worried and I can't sleep I count my blessings instead of sheep and I fall asleep counting my blessings."
What she most appreciated is that this outlook started seeping into his day.
            I recently worked with a second-grade class at the teacher's request. She was concerned that she seemed to have a lot of complainers in the group and so we started gratitude training with them. One day I began a lesson by reviewing and asked what they remembered from our previous discussions. One little boy said, "Well, gratitude is like a skill that you practice and get better at." I'd never really taught those words, but he had put our lessons together into that sublime understanding, one that takes some of us many years to reach.
            Part of what I do in working with youngsters is to help them be aware of what is good in their lives. With the right perspective, there's so much to appreciate. Without it, there will never be enough. And only the things they don't have will seem important.
            So along with all the "stuff" on the wish lists this year, we can add our own item: appreciation. It might even help to start by letting our kids know that, regardless of their appearance, their SAT scores, or their athletic ability, they are a source of gratitude in our lives.
• Susan DeMersseman is a psychologist and parent educator.

School Shooter -- the next one


It's heartbreaking that some articles continue to be relevant. This one from the Christian Science Monitor eight years ago sadly is.

It's not too late to stop the next teen shooter

By  / March 31, 2005
BERKELEY, CALIF.
A youngster in Minnesota shot and killed a teacher, classmates, and himself last week. Shocked, Americans are wondering, "How could such a thing happen?"
Related stories


Yet his story will soon fade from the national news. When the next shooting occurs it will be dredged up and included as background along with the previous three or four.
But what about the potential next shooter? What is going on with him right now?
It's not unlikely that right now, in a school near you, elements of this dangerous social equation are building.
There is a child who feels left out. He is often teased by other kids who don't realize how deeply their words cut. He doesn't have the maturity to know that his tormentors are just thoughtless, miserable adolescents, too.
The boy - because, it seems, it is almost always a boy - doesn't have the family support or sense of self worth to deflect the teasing. When he goes home after school, he is usually alone.
He has grown to love angry music. It makes him feel a little better to connect with the power in the performer's chants of rage. His unresolved grief transforms into the rage he admires. He wants to feel angry. It feels less weak than the sadness. The boy fantasizes about getting even - about showing "them."
Some days he thinks, "I'll grow up and be so successful, famous, and rich." Then they'll be sorry that they ignored him or put him down.
But he lives in a world that does not value long-range solutions - even when they're the right ones.
It may take too long to find a way to relieve the pain - the media he surrounds himself with seem to offer a quicker fix.
The people who are making money from the music, video games, and movies he hears, plays, and sees refuse to question the content or accept the ways they affect the boy.
Instead they go about their business providing training in immediate, sensational "solutions." They provide heroes for the boy, never mind that they are antiheroes.
And, the boy has access to a gun!
But it might not be too late for him.
Events like the Red Lake, Minn., high school shooting last week (10 left dead) and the Columbine High School massacre in Littleton, Colo., in 1999 (15 total dead) cause people to wonder what could have been done to prevent this.
We need only look at the history of the last few for clues.
There could be a teacher who is willing and able to see through the façade to the pain; another student who might stand up for him; a neighbor who might notice him and find a way to help him feel worthwhile; a family member who might stop and realize that the cover of self-reliance is so thin.
Maybe there is someone who reads the paper every day and worries about what the world is coming to. This person might stop wringing his or her hands and start looking more closely at young people and find ways to help them navigate through their difficult periods, in these difficult times.
The story of the last shooter has been written.
But the story of the next shooter is still not finished.
It may not be too late for this child or for those he could destroy in his chaos of pain. It might not be too late for one of us to make a difference.
• Susan DeMersseman is a psychologist and parent educator.

Politics and Polarization




Given what's going on now this oped published 9 years ago seems worth revisiting. My point in the article was not being "left out",  but more being so dedicated to a "group" that truth and facts lose their power. But I've always been so happy to be published in the Christian Science Monitor that I never quibbled about titles.



American political polarization amounts to fear of being left out

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By Susan DeMersseman / July 15, 2004
BERKELEY, CALIF.
I'm starting to wonder if entertainment television, talk radio, and sports have all had a negative influence on political discourse in this country. I watch a lot of political discussion on TV and a fair amount of sports, and in a disturbing way these two contexts seem to be morphing into each other.
It now feels as if someone is keeping score in the political arena. And unfortunately, in my own mind, when I hear of a gaffe or embarrassment for the party I don't prefer, I think, "Oh good, a point for my side."
When "my side" is called for a foul, I think that the officiating might be biased.
So many recent events highlight the polarized context we are now operating in. Whether it is reaction to the Michael Moore film or to an interview with a candidate, there seem to be so few people willing or able to see anything positive in an opposing side or any negative in their own. Perhaps it requires a level of effort and analysis that doesn't fit with the sports metaphor.
I wonder if there was a time in political discourse when people listened to each other and occasionally said, "Hmm, that's a good point, how can we incorporate that into the solution?"
"Solution?" Now there's a novel concept.
But it may also be one that doesn't make for entertaining television talk shows.
One morning I read the regular oped columnists known for their political perspectives. I was in agreement with the one on "my side" and opposed to the other.
Then I had this wild idea: What if, on April Fool's day, the paper switched bylines on columnists who are well known for their political perspective? Would content we normally oppose all of a sudden make some sense if it appeared to have been written by a commentator we usually agree with? Would the tendency to accept input from "our own team" trump our normal belief structure?
The columnists seem to be participating in this sports metaphor and their contributions are often "scoring a point" in style. Or perhaps readers have come to be more entertained by a contentious, bombastic style. So that is what "sells."
I wish we could find a moral or even a common-sense compass that hasn't been distorted by the sports metaphor for politics. In the sports context, saying "I see your point" would be like stepping aside for the other team to score a goal or handing them the ball at their 10-yard line.
I believe that Americans are looking for the truth, for common sense, and for solutions. But there is something seductive about the bond that comes from cheering for the same team. Sadly, it requires that there be an opposing team.
Trying to understand what in our human nature as well as our environment has brought us to this point, I recalled conflict resolution interventions I'd conducted in various organizations. At one large high school the situation was classic. Faculty factions had come together based on what other faculty factions they disliked. They shared almost nothing except their opposition to the "other team." The need to belong was so powerful that members of one "team" disregarded significant issues among themselves and simply focused on the common enemy, the other team.
Once when I was interviewed after a violent incident at a school, I was asked what was the greatest fear of children. The journalist was thinking in terms of weapons.
But, after listening for years to the concerns of youngsters, I answered without hesitation, "Being left out."
Looking at what is taking place in the polarized nature of politics these days, I think that maybe we never outgrow that fear. Perhaps this polarization is less about ideology than about belonging. By backing "our team" we share a bond with others - we are not left out.
• Susan DeMersseman is a psychologist and parent educator.

My garden takes care of me

Gardeners will understand the feeling behind this older piece from the Chronicle. The quote below is one of my favorites.

 "When the world wearies, and society ceases to satisfy, there is always the Garden." 
—- Minnie Aumonier

Gardener feels grateful for her high-maintenance yard / Tending to nature soothes the soul

Susan DeMersseman, Special to The Chronicle
Published 4:00 am, Wednesday, September 24, 2003
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Some people want sprinkler systems, drip systems and drought tolerant -- even neglect-tolerant -- plants, but that's not the case with some of us. We like our high-maintenance yards. These yards often feel more like gardens in the way they provide for us. They are there whenever we need them -- with whatever we need.
I agree with other devoted gardeners who also observe the amazing timing a garden can have. When things seem complicated and chaotic, there is a bush that needs pruning into an orderly, more simple shape. When my children are ungrateful or annoying, I go into my garden and see that the bloom-booster I put on last week is already encouraging tiny buds. When my husband is busy and preoccupied, there is an area that needs me to spend some time and water it. When I have waited in vain for a letter from an editor, I come to the garden and find a new shoot on the cutting I'm trying to start. When I need to blow off steam there are bamboo leaves in the juniper hedge and I can whack them out with the broom. Or I can find a few big weeds to pull up and feel a sense of triumph.
The garden always seems to have just what I need -- a patch to mow, a hedge to trim. A place to clear my head and sometimes my heart. For all the time I spend on it, my garden should look like Versailles. But to me, it looks even more beautiful.
One evening my neighbor passed walking his dog as I pruned in the fading sunset. He barely stopped, but said, "When I die, I want to come back as a plant in your yard." I think he has seen how much I care for my garden. But I don't think anyone has seen how my garden has cared for me.