I work as a school psychologist and parent
educator. In the psychologist role the issue of bossiness is a common and
troublesome one. I do a lot of work in classroom discussions on how to “get
along” which often means not being bossy.
A recent lesson in a first grade class was on how to be a leader without
being bossy. Ironically I had just read a piece in the Wall street Journal by Sheryl
Sandberg discouraging the label of bossy. But this “ban bossy” trend misses some
finer distinctions.
Domineering behavior is unattractive in most
settings and I sometimes see the parents of little children who want to justify
their child’s behavior by referring to Sandberg’s book. I guess that’s a good
plan if you are grooming your child for the position of CEO and counting on employees
for friends.
Boundaries, bossiness, and inclusion are probably
the three main issues that occupy my work with kids. Not surprising the
bossiness issue plays into the other two.
Remarkably the group of six year olds got how a
person can suggest, guide and encourage in a respectful way to accomplish a
goal. They understood how important it is to listen if you want to lead. I
think that what Sheryl Sandberg might have suggested is to “lean in” with an
ear ready to listen.
Another skill kids need is dealing with bossiness.
In the same lesson we practiced ways to “reject” and deal politely if someone
is being overly domineering or bossy. In
the lesson we generated and rehearsed appropriate scripts, many preceded by the
phrase, “I prefer.”
In a meeting with the parents of a very strong and
directive little girl I suggested that one refinement or skill to work on is when to use that behavior. Directive
skills are perfect in some settings and not so much in others. For very active boys
and girls I help parents see that we don’t want to reduce the horsepower, we
just want to improve the transmission, steering and brakes. The same goes for
the tendency to be directive. Understanding when and how are important
refinements of this trait.
In my parent trainings I always remind participants
that when it comes to a child’s temperament, “they come that way.” Certain personality traits are, in effect,
hard wired. Our job is to help the trait become an asset rather than a
liability. Understanding some of the finer distinctions increases the chances
of that happening.