college

GRADUATION SPEECHES -- COMMENCEMENT ADDRESSES


A Graduation Speech for the "Average" Student


Honor those hard-working grads who didn't quite make it to Harvard

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By Susan DeMersseman / May 24, 2004
BERKELEY, CALIF.
Graduation season is here. Soon millions of students will be leaving for college or other pursuits. But I wonder how some of them will be affected by the speeches and awards at their commencement ceremonies?
I, along with other relatives and friends, have listened to hours of speeches and watched dozens of the 4.0's come up to the stage for award after award. As I've watched the faces of those not called, I've wondered what it must be like to be a solid "C" student, or one who struggled to hold on to a "B." Did those "average" students feel that, after all the hoopla for the award winners, their fate of mediocrity was sealed?
As I sat through one of the longer events, I started composing an address for those "other" kids:
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, congratulations to the valedictorian and the 4.0's. I wish them well, but this is for the rest of you.
You're not off to Stanford or Harvard. Maybe you're going to community college or state college, or your second or third choice. Or maybe you're going to try something different. Good for you! You are all about to do great things. Ahead of you are opportunities for success that you haven't even imagined yet. Maybe success by worldly standards; maybe success by your own standards.
I have one piece of wisdom to share. Much more of our future than we sometimes realize is a matter of chance, and a lot is what we make of those chances.
You might, for example, get a part-time job with a landscaper, find that you love it, and go on to create beautiful environments that bring joy and pleasure to others. Your college roommate's dad might own a business that gives you a summer job, and you might end up running the company. Or you may find the only class that meets a requirement one semester is "Geography of Water" - and you get hooked and eventually design clean-water systems for developing countries.
One of my favorite sayings is, "God laughs, when man makes plans." I don't mean don't plan. But some of those perfectly planned 4.0 lives may take unexpected turns and so will yours. Be ready to make the best of them. The doodles that always got you in trouble may be the groundwork for a cartoon series, the design for a new building, or might enhance the lessons for your future students.
One of those 4.0's might find a medical cure for cancer. But you might find a cure for loneliness. One day you might comb an old woman's hair into a neat little bun, push her wheelchair to a spot next to her favorite rosebush, and listen as she tells you about her garden.
Whoever you were on Commencement Day, whatever others expected of you - well, that's done. Now you get to reinvent yourself. If you were always the super-neat one, you get to loosen up. If you were the class clown, you get to try being serious.
Treat every class as if it's important. You never can tell. Even if you don't become an astronomer, that astronomy class that filled a requirement may turn out to be valuable. You'll acquire study skills that will help you in the next class. Or some star-filled night you may lie on the grass with your children and teach them about the wonders of this universe.
Have faith in yourself. Most wonderful, successful people never went to the stage for an award. Many were a lot like you. They kept their minds and hearts open, found a niche, and made the most of it.
So can you. Congratulations.

Kids go off to college. HMMMM a guest room in our future.



      I wrote this article for the San Francisco Chronicle years ago when my children were going off to college. Now the children of several friends are going and the discussion arose again. What do you do with the room, when the kids go off to college? Here are some ideas. More recently many of us are experiencing the "joy" of their return.  I cover that in an article titled "The birds are back."

How to gain space when your child goes off to college -- without alienating the previous occupant


Wednesday, July 30, 2003
I overheard a neighbor ask my newly graduated daughter, "Is your mother getting sad about you leaving for college?" Lauren's reply: "Nope, she's already decided on the new paint color for my room."
That wasn't entirely true. I hadn't decided yet. And I, like parents all over the country, have mixed feelings about this big transition.
For most families the departure of a youngster for college brings up all kinds of feelings, but it also presents some very practical issues. One is how to deal with the vacated room. There are moms and dads who, while mourning the passage, are thinking about the wonderful possibility of a home office, exercise room or guest room.
We already had a home office, so our goal was a guest room. The mother of one of Lauren's friends also wanted a guest room but planned few changes. That's because her daughter's room already looked like a guest room. My daughter's room, on the other hand, looks like a sari shop, inhabited by an origami expert who has traveled in Africa and collects bags of all kinds. So significant changes were in order.
My friend Mary Jo recalled how she consoled herself after the departure of her son by enjoying the luxury of a room where she could keep her sewing machine set up all the time.
In contrast, another mother was feeling so sad about her daughter leaving that she hadn't even considered changing the room. Mourning in advance, she seemed to be planning the room as a sort of shrine to the departed college student.
I grew up in a little Midwestern town where we dealt with all emotional matters by doing chores. When someone passed away, we baked for the family; we shoveled the snow, mowed the lawn or raked the leaves. So it seemed only natural to address this emotional event with some practical action.


negotiating change

My daughter and I decided to embark upon the adventure in a systematic way and to negotiate the changes so that she would feel comfortable when she returned and the room could be used in her absence.
We did this by talking to other people who were going through this change, or who had already passed through this phase. We made our individual wish lists and compromised on changes. We considered the many issues involved, such as storage, furniture changes and repainting.

my wish list

-- A palette that would allow me to use a collection of vintage linens.
-- To use the beautiful antique bed from my mother.
-- To repaint.
-- Twenty-four inches of hanging space in the closet and two empty drawers in the dresser.
-- The posters to come down.
-- The 3-foot tall stuffed dog to be placed in storage.

lauren's wish list

-- A place for Poppy to sleep. (This is the resident of the room who will be staying and like most cats requires a place to take her 10-hour daily nap.)
-- My tall desk to stay.
-- My room color sky blue.
-- My goldfish to stay.
-- Some of my artwork to be framed and hung.

work with each other

In surveying her classmates, Lauren found that the opinions were very mixed about what should be done with their rooms. Given this, it is important to make no assumption and to be explicit on both sides about how it will be done. From our research and our own process we came up with these suggestions and considerations:
-- Be aware of the temperament of the departing student. Some may not care what happens once they're out the door and others may need the comfort of a safe harbor.
-- Do talk about the changes each party would like and be specific. There may be little things that mean a lot.
-- A lot of important stuff is quite portable and can be stored in the room and brought back out during return visits.
-- If the student is going to school nearby, go slow on major changes.
-- Invest in lots of clear plastic storage boxes and label each in detail.
-- Have a "going to college" garage sale with a group of friends to thin out possessions.
-- If a younger sibling will finally be getting his or her own room, make specific provisions for a welcoming and personal space for the return visits of the college student. Be sensitive about this transfer of turf.
-- If the room becomes an office, include a daybed and keep a favorite comforter in the closet.
The mother of a son has always wanted a Laura Ashley/Country French guest room. She devised a plan to have that and still let her son return to his denim den.
She has a new floral duvet cover and shams, a pretty lamp and framed prints.
In his closet will be a space to store his comforter, sports trophies and NBA posters. She figures it will take about 30 minutes to switch the accessories when her son is coming home.
That's my plan too. I can change the comforter, stick up some posters, throw a few stuffed animals on the bed, fill the laundry basket to overflowing,
and my daughter will feel right at home.

it's still home

It's fairly common knowledge that people often create conflict to make parting easier. By talking about these things ahead of time, what could be a tumultuous departure can be made smoother. Most youngsters, like their parents,
have mixed feelings. They are eager to go, but want a nest to return to.
As a devoted nester I believe it is important to provide our big kids with a sense of belonging. Most valuable is the care and acceptance that families give us, but it is also the comfort of the familiar, whether it's a Tim Duncan poster, a stuffed turtle or a Power Puff Girl lamp. If it's important to your child, it's important.
A Web survey of graduating college students found that 62 percent planned to return and spend some significant time living back at home. Depending upon the parents and child, that might prompt a more or less significant remodel of the room.
One mother of a college senior cautioned, "Just make sure that you take the bed out of the room." On the other hand, parents of a twentysomething son said that the time he spent back home after college was the most fun they'd had with him since he was a toddler.
All parents said that kids who come home after being away at college seem to appreciate home more. I'm going with that report and believe it will be true no matter what shade of blue we paint the room.
Susan DeMersseman is a psychologist and parent educator in Berkeley. E-mail her at home@sfchronicle.com.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/07/30/HO79041.DTL
This article appeared on page HO - 1 of the San Francisco Chronicle