Summer Activities? Let's pretend.


Fit a little unstructured time into summer plans


"LET'S PRETEND"
Parents these days enroll their children in lots of enriching summer camps and classes. Lucky kids. And other lucky kids just putter around their homes or yards pretending. "Let's pretend" were the words that commenced most of childhood play for generations. With rich imaginations children created exotic and fantastic worlds in which they were the main players.
Empty packing boxes became all kinds of little shops and vehicles. A line of chairs in the dining room became a bus or train. A bedspread thrown over a sawhorse became our tent on the Amazon. In our own attic was a box of fancy dresses, suits, hats and old jewelry. We became Mom and Dad or duke and duchess.
I have nothing against the kind of "enriched childhood" many parents are trying to create. I just don't want kids to miss the richness that comes from their own unique imaginations.
When I see the Kindergarten children in a school where I'm the psychologist with baskets of dress-ups in their play area, I am grateful. This may be one of the few places where these developing minds get to exercise the capacity to imagine. Too often these days children's imaginations are hijacked by television or by toys that require a specific story line.
As children we often had as much fun making our toys as we did playing with them. When I wanted to play secretary, I spent an entire afternoon making a typewriter from a little black box and circles of paper that I carefully cut out, labeled with appropriate letters and glued on the box. When we wanted a swimming pool we spent a whole day digging a hole, placing a tarp and running water. All for about 30 minutes of splashing. Our mother had suggested the location of the "swimming pool" and a few days later a big lilac bush was planted there. (Guess mom had a little imagination too.)
Children still have these impulses and with a little unstructured time will organize an activity, create and pretend. My daughter was one of those children who absorbed all the tape and cardboard in the house into her creations. One year I gave her a shoebox filled with tape, scissors, cardboard etc. as a Christmas gift. She loved it, managed to use it all up in short order and continued to gather the tape from her parents' secret hiding places.
I became convinced that one of the ways we encourage imagination is by tolerating messes. Sometimes the imagination of my children resulted in chaos in the living room, where every stuffed animal and piece of doll equipment became part of some elaborate setting. I must confess that it was often tempting to just let them watch cartoons because it created less mess. On the other hand the mess created from too much media can be in their heads rather that on the living room floor. Much harder to clean up.
Some children are natural directors in pretend plays. "You be the princess, and you be the horse and you be the dad." My daughter was one of those directors, and to be allowed to play with her and her friends she would tell her little brother, "You be the monster". It's hard to know what impact her training had on him, but there were times when he played that role too well. Fortunately he escaped the type casting and is now the most wonderful grown son a mother could want.
Toys that have multiple uses and, even better, time in the great outdoors can spark the "pretend potential" in children. I hope every child gets to make mud pies at some point in their childhood. Even pretending with them can help. I'm certain that our now grown children became the creative cooks they are because of the hours we spent pretending to be restaurant patrons and ordering wildly exotic dishes.
One of the best friends of imagination is boredom. We have to let kids be bored every now and then and let them find inspiring materials around to create their own fun. In these critical times we need rich imaginations to solve our many problems and equally important to bring joy and laughter into the world. Even if it means more messes in the living room -- it's a small price to pay.


Father's Day for Big Brothers

 Big Brothers, Little Fathers,
There are many fortunate youngsters who have a father available and able to provide the support and guidance that is part of that role. There are other children whose fathers are either unavailable or unable to provide that support.
For years I worked in a community where the presence of a father in the family was not common. For reasons of health, incarceration or economics many children did not have the luxury of that guidance. This role was sometimes filled in part by pastors, coaches, teachers and grandparents. But in other families, big brothers served that role with amazing love and maturity.
 I have watched with admiration as big brothers escort little siblings to school, checking their backpacks, adjusting their jackets and then going off to their middle schools. I’ve watched them pick the younger ones up from school and walk them home, often holding the tiny hands. These little fathers have risked appearing uncool, as they pass through their neighborhood with younger ones in tow. Some do it with such a sense of responsibility and dignity that they rise above any peer judgment
In stores I’ve watched them hold and take care of the little ones while Mom took care of the shopping. At home these big brothers may be combing hair and fixing breakfast while Mom works an early shift. At some schools older siblings serve as translators to help the parents in teacher meetings
These young men must correct, encourage and even dry the tears of little ones. When Father’s Day comes around, when those younger siblings are grown enough to appreciate the gift, I hope they will thank that brother for being a little father. These young men have made a huge difference in the lives of their siblings. It may have seemed that it was just what they were supposed to do, but often what we are supposed to do is also something very special. So to those many little fathers, “Happy Father’s Day.”
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Parents, please don't say, "See...."


Don’t say, “SEE!”

As most of my readers know I am a psychologist with 30 years of working with parents and children in schools. I’m working on a book about some of what I’ve learned, insights and strategies that seem to make the most important job in the world a little easier and more effective. I continue to work with parents each week who have suggested that I get a move on with this book or start posting chapters of it on my blog. I’m listening and so will start posting “bits” if not chapters.
The bit that is getting the most nods of insight recently has been the caution to not say, “See how easy that was.” This parental comment usually follows the child finally doing something that they resisted or avoided or something that was hard for them. It’s natural to want to remind them that all the fuss was not necessary and that the task was really “easy.” But I suggest a different response.  “See how easy that was.” minimizes for some children the effort and courage it took to accomplish the task. It also robs the parent of the opportunity to praise and reinforce one of the most important character strengths – to do something even when it is hard. So instead of “See how easy…” I suggest something like the following. “I’m proud of you for doing something that I know was hard (or uncomfortable or scary) for you. You must feel proud of yourself too.”  Rather than feeling like a big wimp for the initial resistance, it helps the child build confidence in his or her own resources to face future challenges.

Spring Cleaning


Taking care of too much plenty / All of that stuff we accumulate has to go someplace

Susan DeMersseman, Special to The Chronicle
Published 4:00 am, Saturday, May 29, 2004
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Stores and catalogs now offer a wonderful variety of storage containers, but for many of us, our possessions have outgrown even the most clever "storage solutions." We have been so successful at acquiring things that we now need a system for editing what we have so successfully acquired.
My husband has a theory that we operate in a sort of flat-top pyramid pattern in relation to our possessions. On the incline it is acquire, acquire, acquire. On the plateau it is use, use, use and on the decline it is get rid of, get rid of, get rid of. It seems many of us Baby Boomers are at the top of that down slope.
Offspring come in very handy in this department. Second-string possessions work nicely for first apartments. Unfortunately, many of those offspring have their "first apartment" under our roofs and bring more stuff home! I do know a few people who find it easy to get rid of things. One is my friend Pam, who for years thought she was 5 feet 8 and was thus responsible for passing along to me some wonderful items of clothing. Then she realized that she was 5 feet 4 and discovered the petite department, which cut severely into my wardrobe. My friend Holly follows the rule, "If you don't use it within a year, get rid of it." If I followed that rule I would have nine things in my closet.
There are even people who find it easy to place things on the curb for Goodwill. Others of us need a specific recipient. We can open our closets and cupboards easily if a friend can use something, but we can't just "get rid of it." There is a special pleasure in finding someone who can actually use something we've been saving for years.
Eyeing my basement long ago, my husband commented, "You're saving things for people you haven't even met yet." I think it was meant as a criticism, but it made perfect sense to me. Some of us have that hopeful nature that causes us to see potential value in almost everything. And so we store these items that "could be" useful -- or be used to make something useful -- until we finally realize we are not ever going to put in the work that turns their potential value into real value.
I had an elderly friend who used to say, "Don't buy work." Many of us have not only bought it, we are storing it. The ultimate way to edit possessions, of course, is to move. The prospect of packing, transporting and unpacking an item really makes one question the importance of that item in one's life. Though I have lived in the same house for 28 years, I've helped many friends move. It's comforting to see that others have as much stuff as I do. Or to see that others also have a sentimental attachment to almost every item that has ever entered the house. One strategy we used successfully in a few of these moves was to make three categories: useful, sentimental, and both useful and sentimental. The last pile was a must-keep and the other two depended upon how useful or how sentimental.
Having some sort of system for dealing with the need to move things along is a necessity at certain times in our lives. Polling friends and drawing from experience, a few suggestions for editing possessions follow:
-- Garage sales can be a lot of work for the payoff; do one with a group or consider alternatives.
-- If you have youngsters, find a family with kids a few sizes smaller than yours and make regular deliveries of usable clothing, toys and books (hold on to all Legos and baseball cards). Keep a cupboard of "pass along" items, where your kids can regularly put things they no longer wear and hopefully develop a lifelong habit.
-- Create a system at work or among friends of sharing "bad purchases." Friends know that the strange shades of green they mistakenly buy will look good on me and I know to whom to give the red things I mistakenly purchase.
-- Big items such as tables and dressers that you can't yet part with can be placed on long-term loan with good friends.
-- Call local schools to donate craft supplies for after-school programs.
-- For current and nice clothing, explore the consignment clothing stores, but call ahead to find out what their specifications are.
-- If you don't want items to be resold, check with local churches that help those in need. Find other places to use items that grow dusty in your home. One first-grade teacher brought her bread-making machine to school, and her students are treated to warm bread on Monday mornings. Another habit that can keep us from bringing even more into the mix is to be aware of that dreamy retail glow that surrounds things when they're in the store.
Instead, try to imagine attempting to fit the item in with all the other stuff. The concept of enough is a hard one to nail down. For some of us it just keeps moving up with our capacity to acquire. For others the point comes when we run out of space or when the place in our minds that inspires acquisition is busy with other things.


Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/homeandgarden/article/Taking-care-of-too-much-plenty-All-of-that-2771893.php#ixzz2QN6pf9eO

WEEDING TIME?




Weeding 'in the zone' is a pleasure like no other

Susan DeMersseman, Special to The Chronicle
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There are many gardening chores that the average person might find unpleasant, but to a gardener they are part of the fun. Weeding is one of these -- but not just any weeding. The greatest pleasure is weeding "in the zone." That is a short but wonderful snippet of time that many gardeners recognize. These zones have a lot to do with the condition of the soil. In spring there are a few gentle days that occur between the rainy periods and the dry periods.
Or you can help nature along with a good soaking. The clay soil in my region goes from the texture of cream cheese to terra cotta in about three days. So in between those conditions there is a day when the soil is perfect, dry enough to be workable and moist enough to release the weed willingly -- roots and all. As much as I love plants, I'm equally fond of a freshly weeded and cultivated patch of dark, rich soil.
Even the smell of the earth changes as it opens up and releases the weeds. Pulling up the weed breaks the surface and lets it breathe again after a winter of being pounded by the rain. And almost as satisfying is watching the pile of oxalis and other undesirables fill the weed basket.
When my daughter was a toddler, one of her first words was "oxalis." I was so pleased, because I wanted to raise a gardener, or at least a weeder. She followed me around in the yard getting as muddy as I and asking, "Mommy, is this oxalis?" Tiny hands were good at fitting into the places where this sneaky weed hides, next to the stems of favorite flowers. And when, by the age of 4, my daughter was able to tell the difference between wild onions and emerging freesias, well, I couldn't have been more proud if she'd been giving violin recitals.
My equipment for these events is simple. Sometimes I start off with good intentions, with my foam knee pad, gardener's stool and heavy gloves. But usually it's just me and my trusty Japanese cultivating tool. It would probably be more sensible to use the substantial gardening gloves, but there's something more connected, more part of the process with bare hands. My compromise is often latex surgical gloves. I grab a pocketful of them as I go into the yard. I measure the accomplishments of the day not just by the volume of weeds but by how many gloves I wear out in the process. My other favorite tool is an old paring knife that digs up stubborn roots. Some roots elude me, but not many.
When the job is complete, the remaining plants look so beautiful against the dark, smooth soil. For several days the next pesky weeds in waiting do not emerge, so I can go back into the yard and feel again the satisfaction of hands in the dirt and of creating a little bit of order, where a little bit is just the right amount.
Susan DeMersseman is a psychologist and parent educator in Berkeley. E-mail her athome@sfchronicle.com.
This article appeared on page HO - 9 of the San Francisco Chronicle